Just Win Baby!!

By Kevin Ohms
Monday October 30, 2006

Over the course of my long and highly unsuccessful college career at The Ohio State University and in the years since, I have been fortunate enough to attend many Buckeye football games. I was even privileged enough to witness John Cooper’s final two years at OSU in person. Those two years, combined with Jim Tressel’s first year, made me and many other Buckeye fans seriously contemplate suicide on a weekly basis. In those years, it seemed as though if Ohio State didn’t lose at least once every two or three weeks, something was amiss. However, in 2002, something weird happened as Ohio State started winning again. For whatever reason (Steve Bellisari graduating), Ohio State has lost only eight games in the five seasons since 2001 and have two winning streaks of 15+ games. Personally, I have put together an impressive streak of my own during this time. The following is a synopsis of the last 22 Buckeye games I have attended. Notice the pattern, following the first game. And remember, each time Ohio State wins, it is not the result of the players, coaches, or the 100,000 plus in attendance. It is the result of my presence in the stadium, and my incredible cheering capabilities. Read on….it’s no joke fool.

November 17, 2001 @ Ohio Stadium. Thirty-Six hours before the game, Steve Bellisari leaves The Spot Bar at 2am and is arrested for DUI two blocks later. Craig Krenzel and Scott McMullen replace the suspended Bellisari and the Bucks get killed. Final Score: Illinois-34 Ohio State-22

August 24, 2002 @ Ohio Stadium. In his OSU debut, Maurice Clarett runs for 175 yards and the Buckeyes defense holds Kliff Kingsbury’s high powered offense to 7 points through three quarters. Final Score: Ohio State-45 Texas Tech-21

September 21, 2002 @ Paul Brown Stadium. Cinci has 1st and 10 from the OSU 15 with less than a minute to go. They throw 3 incompletions and an interception and the Bucks escape the ‘nasti with a win. Final Score: Ohio State-23 Cincinnati-19

September 28, 2002 @ Ohio Stadium. The Indiana Hoosiers somehow manage to put up 17 points in the Horseshoe, but still get destroyed by the Buckeyes as Maurice Clarett takes three handoffs to the house. Final Score: Ohio State-45 Indiana-17

October 12, 2002 @ Ohio Stadium. On only twenty-three pass attempts, Ohio State manages 355 yards through the air. Another snoozer for the Buckeyes as Mo Clarett scores three more touchdowns. Final Score: Ohio State-50 San Jose State-7

October 26, 2002 @ Ohio Stadium. OSU holds Larry Johnson and the Penn State offense to 179 total yards, and Chris Gamble takes a pick back 40 yards to paydirt to give Ohio State the lead for good. Zack Mills and Craig Krenzel combine to throw 0 td’s and 5 int’s. Final Score: Ohio State-13, Penn State-7

November 2, 2002 @ Ohio Stadium. Lydell Ross amazingly scores two touchdowns, and the Buckeyes finish the game with 34 unanswered points. Minnesota manages seven first downs in the losing effort. Final Score: Ohio State-34 Minnesota-3

November 23, 2002 @ Ohio Stadium. With the Buckeyes down in the final minutes, Jim Tressel calls an option play for the first time all year, resulting in a Maurice Hall touchdown run. I storm the field and tear up a chunk of sod, which is still growing in a pot on my patio today. Final Score: Ohio State-14 Michigan-9

January 3, 2003 @ Fiesta Bowl in Tempe. Kellen Winslow may be a “fucking soldier,” but he still couldn’t lead the heavily favored Canes over the Bucks. First and goal from the one in double-OT results in 0 points for Criami, and the Bucks are National Champs! Final Score: Ohio State-31 Miami-24

August 30, 2003 @ Ohio Stadium. It takes Pac-10 powerhouse Washington 57 minutes to find the end zone. By that time Ohio State’s backup scout team is on the field and the starters are sipping cocktails on the bench. Final Score: Ohio State-28 Washington-9

September 27, 2003 @ Ohio Stadium. The Ohio State Buckeyes embarrass Brett Basanez and the Northwestern Wildcats and extend the nation’s longest winning streak to 19 games, and Mark May cries like a little girl. Final Score: Ohio State-20 Northwestern-0

October 18, 2003 @ Ohio Stadium. These two low-powered offenses fail to produce a touchdown, but the Buckeyes win it with two special teams touchdowns and a safety. Note: I got booted from this game at halftime. Damnit! Final Score: Ohio State-19 Iowa-10

November 8, 2003 @ Ohio Stadium. Craig Krenzel tosses 3 touchdowns, Mike Nugent kicks 3 field goals, and the Bucks roll in the ‘Shoe. Michigan State quarterback Jeff Smoker was likely on drugs during the game. Final Score: Ohio State-33 MSU-23

November 15, 2003 @ Ohio Stadium. Durpue kicker Ben Jones follows a successful Mike Nugent overtime field goal by pulling a 37 yard field goal of his own wide left, finally putting an end to the game. That poor little feller. Final Score: Ohio State-16 Purdue-13

September 4, 2004 @ Ohio Stadium. OSU pulls away from the overmatched ‘Cats as Lydell Ross and Antonio Pittman combine to run for over 200 yards on only 24 carries. Ted Ginn debuts with 2 catches for -1 yards. Final Score: Ohio State-27 Cincinnati-6

September 11, 2004 @ Ohio Stadium. Ohio State is shutout in the second half until Mike Nugent boots a 55 yard field goal as time expires to win it for the Bucks. Santonio Holmes hauls in 10 passes for 224 yards. Final Score: Ohio State-24 Marshall-21

October 23, 2004 @ Ohio Stadium. Troy Smith makes his first career start and throws a 59 yard touchdown pass to Ted Ginn less than 2 minutes into the game, a sign of things to come in the world of college football. Final Score: Ohio State-30 Indiana-7

October 30, 2004 @ Ohio Stadium. Ohio State starts strong with punt and interception returns for touchdowns in the first quarter by Ginn and Everett. Michael Robinson is 7 of 21 passing for the mighty Nittany Lions. Final Score: Ohio State-21 Penn State-10

November 20, 2004 @ Ohio Stadium. Troy Smith passes for 241 yards, runs for 145, and Ted Ginn scores on a punt return for the fourth time in 2004, to lead the Bucks over the favored and seventh ranked Wolverines. Final Score: Ohio State-37 Michigan-21

September 3, 2005 @ Ohio Stadium. The Buckeyes defense shuts out Miami for 57 minutes, and the offense is lead by Ted Ginn and Santonio Holmes who catch touchdowns, and Antonio Pittman who runs for over 100 yards. Final Score: Ohio State-34 Miami-14

November 12, 2005 @ Ohio Stadium. Northwestern scores on their opening drive, and then get waxed. Troy Smith and Antonio Pittman combine to run for over 200 yards, and AJ Hawk scores on a blocked punt. Final Score: Ohio State-48 Northwestern-7

October 9, 2006 @ Ohio Stadium. Antonio Pittman scores twice, extending his touchdown streak to 11 games. Ted Ginn hauls in 10 passes, including a 57 yard scoring strike from Heisman front-runner Troy Smith. Final Score: Ohio State-35 Bowling Green-7

If you can count, which I sometimes have trouble doing, that is twenty-one straight games the Buckeyes have won with me in attendance. Interestingly, I had tickets to two other OSU home games during this streak, against Wisconsin in 2004 and Texas last year. My very smart (and I use that term loosely) friend Fork decided to get married the day of the Wisconsin game, which is why the Bucks lost. And I sold my Texas game tickets for a small large profit because the tickets I had were spread all over the damn stadium and not together. Had I attended, I would have made Ryan Hamby soak his hands in a 5-gallon bucket of syrup on the sidelines, and he would have caught those passes he dropped including the touchdown, and Ohio State would have won. Damnit Kevin, you’re so fucking stupid.

So what does Ohio State do this year to reward my awesomeness in attending Buckeyes games? Two weeks before the Penn State game, the game I got my alumni tickets to, those dicksniffers mail me a letter informing me that I no longer had tickets because they oversold the game. Let me tell you, that made my fucking day. I continued reading the letter to see what game they were offering me in exchange for the Penn State game. To my surprise, I wasn’t offered another game, just my $124 refund. Sweet, just fucking sweet. Maybe I’ll put that puny $124 towards a $1,000 OSU/Michigan ticket. Fuck, me. I still can’t believe Ohio State beat Penn State without me in the Horseshoe. Those lucky bastards. OSU is lucky Penn State had “Morelli coming in” this year to play quarterback for JoePa, and not a real quarterback.

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